{"id":21946,"date":"2022-04-08T18:16:15","date_gmt":"2022-04-08T23:16:15","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/trainingmag.com\/?p=21946"},"modified":"2022-04-08T18:16:15","modified_gmt":"2022-04-08T23:16:15","slug":"you-cant-be-a-great-coach-without-this-skill","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/trainingmag.com\/you-cant-be-a-great-coach-without-this-skill\/","title":{"rendered":"You Can\u2019t be a Great Coach Without this Skill"},"content":{"rendered":"

There is one thing you need to understand to be a great coach: Emotions drive behavior. Let me say it again: EMOTIONS drive behavior. Sounds obvious, but many leaders and coaches I work with don\u2019t truly understand this. Most people try to coach, lead, influence (and even parent) behaviors. As a new leader and coach early in my career, I, too, was focused on coaching behaviors.<\/p>\n

You can\u2019t be a great coach who develops and inspires people if you only focus on their behaviors; you need to learn the Emotional Intelligence<\/strong><\/a>–<\/strong>based skill of connecting to the emotional needs<\/strong> that drive their behaviors.<\/p>\n

Identifying Behaviors<\/h2>\n

As a coach, it\u2019s important to identify specific behaviors that may be impacting someone\u2019s performance and then help them course correct. But that\u2019s just the start.<\/p>\n

Early in my career when I was working at a software company, I was managing a highly technical and brilliant individual\u2014let\u2019s call him Joel. The main issue derailing Joel\u2019s effectiveness was that he was giving long and technical explanations and sending super long e-mails full of technical jargon. In meetings I could see people\u2019s eyes glaze over when he started going into a long explanation. Being his manager (and, therefore, his coach), I\u2019d get frustrated (i.e., not managing my own emotions) and I\u2019d interrupt Joel to \u201chelp\u201d him keep from going on too long. You can imagine the negative impact it had on Joel when I interrupted him in front of others\u2014not to mention how I came across to everyone else in those meetings.<\/p>\n

When I had my first discussion (what I thought was a coaching session) where I shared the feedback with Joel, I gave him specific examples of times he had talked too long and showed him examples of his long e-mails. He was a little defensive at first, but I used my \u201cstrong coach\u201d tone to let him know the behavior needed to change.<\/p>\n

Not surprisingly, his behavior didn\u2019t change. In fact, when I was in meetings with him, it seemed to get worse. I realized later that he was nervous I\u2019d interrupt him, which made him talk faster and longer. While I had done a decent job of pointing out Joel\u2019s derailing behavior and redirected him to a new behavior, I was missing a critical skill a leader\/coach needs to have.<\/p>\n

The Emotional Need Behind the Behavior<\/h2>\n

The most important skills you can develop as a coach is helping a person figure out their \u201cwhy.\u201d Why are they behaving the way they are? And specifically, what emotional needs are causing them to behave (or not behave) in a way that is detrimental to their growth and performance.<\/p>\n

Let\u2019s go back to Joel. I recently had been through an Emotional Intelligence training<\/a> session that focused on the how to connect to emotional needs that drive behaviors. I made sure we had a good amount of time for a coaching session, that I was able to be present and be truly curious, and I had a whole list of EI-based questions prepared.<\/p>\n

It turned out that as a technical person, Joel valued when people explained things with the correct (his word) amount of detail. In fact, he was impressed by people who could do this\u2014his personality profile is analytical. We were able to determine that he was giving long explanations because he felt that would impress people and they would see him as credible, which would earn their respect. His emotional need to feel respected is one most of us have. It was an especially strong emotional need for him. Joel\u2019s strategy to earn respect was to explain things in great technical detail.<\/p>\n

I explained to him that while his technical expertise is important to the organization, many people do not value long technical descriptions, and, in fact, it can even annoy and frustrate them. I also explained the personality profile of people who are drivers. I explained that the behavior of giving long, technical explanations could cause some people to disrespect him\u2014i.e., for those people, it was having the exact opposite effect of meeting his emotional need! He began to see that if he could be more aware of his audience and articulate his ideas in a more concise and simple manner when the situation merited that, he could earn a lot more respect.<\/p>\n

This was a lightbulb moment for Joel. He hadn\u2019t realized why he was giving the long explanations, although he did know something wasn\u2019t working right. Realizing that behavior was, in fact, causing him to be less respected motivated him to change it. With this understanding of his emotional need, his whole approach changed. He started asking me if he was being concise enough in meetings. He\u2019d send me e-mails to review before he sent them, and he was much more open to my feedback and suggestions. I could tell he was working hard to improve. And I didn\u2019t feel the need to interrupt him!<\/p>\n

The Tip of the Iceberg<\/h2>\n

People\u2019s behaviors are like the tip of the iceberg, and their emotional needs are everything under the surface. Just like it\u2019s hard to move an iceberg from the tip, it\u2019s difficult to coach and develop people without connecting to their emotional needs.<\/p>\n

Examples of emotional needs we all have that drive our behaviors include:<\/p>\n